Schmooze Control: Ten Ways Schmoozing Will Keep Your Business Growing

By Ty Freyvogel

You can be the most brilliant thinker alive, but intelligence alone will not make you a success in business. A high IQ doesn't mean you are sure to be successful. It won't guarantee you anything. As a matter of fact, many successful entrepreneurs are NOT geniuses. What they are is "people" people. They know how to connect with others and they aren't afraid to do it. They're connectors, and they always make the first schmooze.

It took me a while to learn the importance of making the first schmooze. You wouldn't know it now, but I was not a natural-born schmoozer. I was shy when I was young kid. I didn't like breaking out of my comfort zone in order to connect with others so I chose the easy road and convinced myself that people would find my shyness charming. Then one day at summer camp a kid pushed me into the lake, and I didn't know how to swim. I nearly drowned, but thankfully my adrenaline kicked in and I was able to get myself over to the dock and out of the water. To allow me the opportunity to settle the score with this kid, our camp counselors put us in a boxing ring to let us fight it out. I am proud to say I came out of that fight triumphant. But the greatest thing that came from my time in that boxing ring is that from that day on I was no longer an introvert. I had gained the self-confidence I needed to kick my shyness habit. And I have never looked back.

My point is this: If you aren't the life of every party and an outgoing, gregarious person, you can still be a great schmoozer. You just have to learn how. Schmoozing is a skill, and like most other skills, it doesn't always come naturally to a person. Sometimes it has to be learned. And that's ok. The great thing about schmoozing is that no matter how you acquire the skill, once you are good at it, your success will begin to rise (along with your income!).

Lesson 1: Always be the "host" and not the "guest." In other words, put the needs of others ahead of your own. If you stop thinking about your anxious racing heart and clammy hands, you will be amazed at how quickly your magnified selfawareness will fade and become insignificant. The more you practice putting others first, the easier it will become for you. You will feel your confidence rise and your shyness disappear with each new person you are able to assist in some way. In no time at all, you will feel at home approaching a total stranger and extending your hand and your business card.

Lesson 2: Schmoozers never meet a stranger. I try to talk to strangers every day. No matter where I am going or what I am doing, I always make a point to meet new people. Remember that according to the Six Degrees of Separation law we are but a few handshakes away from anyone anywhere. Think about it. You could be only a half dozen handshakes away from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Before you begin namedropping about your relationships with Barbara Walters, Mick Jagger, and Brad Pitt, remember the Rule says only that you're six handshakes away; it doesn't say a handshake and introduction are imminent. It's a reminder that the world is a small place, but you still have to make the effort to make connections. And that means talking to the occasional stranger.

Lesson 3: Schmoozing is 90 percent listening, 10 percent talking. When I am trying to teach someone else how to become a great schmoozer this is the lesson that always surprises them the most. You can almost knock them over with a feather when they find out they don't need to be fancy talkers to win people over. All you have to do is listen. When you focus on the people around you, you can drown out all your own internal noise and really hear what people are saying. That makes finding out what they need easier. And when any good entrepreneur finds out what potential customers need, he'll figure out a way to give it to them. Now, I know that not talking can be easier said than done for a lot of schmoozers, myself included. I love to talk and often have to tell myself to just shut up and listen. It happens most often when I am talking with someone who isn't a big talker. When this happens you have to learn how to say just enough to get them going. Instead of saying something about yourself, for example, ask them something about them. People love to talk about themselves, so once you get them going your job is done. Then, it's time to start listening!

Lesson 4: Be inquisitive. Before you can listen, you have to have someone to listen to. And the best way to get a person's attention is to be inquisitive. Get them talking. Now, this can be a beginning schmoozer's nightmare. When you're starting out, it can be hard going into a social situation without thinking Why would any of these people want to talk to me? But that attitude will get you nowhere fast. Here's the truth: You shouldn't feel uncomfortable asking people to divulge information about their lives. Know why? Because they like it. People enjoy talking about themselves. Put yourself in their shoes. Would you be offended if someone asked you if you have children, or where you like to play golf? Probably not. Likewise, others usually won't shy away from your questions. So go ahead and just ask!

Lesson 5: Aim for a genuine conversation. Once you've got your potential schmoozee talking, let it flow. Don't try too hard to figure out what the two of you have in common. If you let the conversation flow, you will get there naturally. So, let's say your conversation starter was "How about this heat wave?" From there you can build the small talk until it is appropriate to talk about things that are a little closer to each of your agendas. Keep in mind that not everyone is going to be intrigued by your conversation starter so it's a good idea to have at least one as a backup. If conversation starter number two doesn't work, it's probably best that you move on. You don't want to be seen as the guy who pestered someone until they talked.

Lesson 6: Know the difference between schmoozing and networking. A lot of times the word "schmooze" gets a bad rap. Maybe people don't like the way it sounds. Maybe for them it conjures up a not-so-genuine way to form business relationships. So to rid their vocabularies of schmoozing, they network. The two things are not the same and here's why. Let's say you know that Mr. Jones is not only a great tax consultant, but that he is also an accomplished billiards player. A networker might say, "How do you see the current Administration's stance on taxes?" The schmoozer says, "Are there still crafts people who make custom cue sticks? And what is the preferred material for them?" Schmoozers learn enough about the person to engage them in a real conversation about something they will likely enjoy discussing. Schmoozers know how to find a way to establish rapport outside the business realm. And great schmoozers also know how to read subtle cues (No pun intended!) about how far to take their schmooze.

Lesson 7: Ask questions the right way. If you intend to ask a question, give the listener a fair chance to answer it. The last thing you want to do is give the impression that you do not respect a person's opinion enough to listen to her. An example of what not to do is to ask a question and immediately answer it yourself. ("Do you want top executives all over the country to know you and your company? Of course you do!") Next in Q&A etiquette is to not insert your opinion into the question. An example of this is, "Don't you think he should be thrown out on his Ivy League keister?" Any question that begins with "Don't you think..." tells me you are the one not thinking. Getting to know people is all in the questions you ask them. So make sure your questions make people want to engage with you. If they don't, you'll become all too familiar with the polite brush-off.

Lesson 8: Allow the person to answer. Are you the type who gets itchy in the moment of silence between the question and the response? If you are, learn to take a few deep breaths and wait. Some people don't answer in rapid machine-gun fashion. Give them time to formulate their answer. After all, you want to hear their most thoughtful response. When the person has answered, do not ever, ever negate their response. If someone answers your question openly and honestly and then you suggest he is stupid or wrong, you are being offensive. Whether it's as seemingly benign as saying, "Oh, I disagree," or an outright, "Well, that's the most ridiculous comment I've heard today," you ruin your chances to make a connection.

Lesson 9: Keep it positive. Spend enough time in social situations, business and otherwise, and you are bound to hear people who you would normally consider to be bright, reasonable folks say some of the most alarming things to people who are complete strangers. Not too long ago at a conference, I overheard one woman say to another, "What is that hideous purple thing on that woman's head?" I anxiously waited for the other woman's response as I had just recently spoken with both the woman in the purple hat and the woman now being questioned about the "hideous purple thing." And when I spoke to the women they were both wearing purple hats. This was her response: "That's my friend Tillie. And I have a hat very similar to that one that I love." And then she turned away. Making sport of others to initiate conversation isn't classy and nine times out of ten it will prove to be a huge mistake. As I'm sure your mother told you a thousand times, if you don't have anything nice to say about someone, don't say anything at all.

Lesson 10: Do not have a one-size-fits-all schmooze. I am a very gregarious person. And often, if I am not careful, I can come on too strong for people who've just met me. On the other hand, there are other people out there who are more gregarious than I am. And to keep up with them, even I have to step it up sometimes. My point is that I don't have a standard approach for everyone I meet. In order to judge the best way to engage someone, I look for clues, read their expressions and ratchet up or tone down my intensity. One of the funniest scenes in Annie Hall is when Woody Allen says to his therapist, "We never have sex...maybe two or three times a week." Seconds later, Diane Keaton says to her therapist, "We always have sex...maybe two or three times a week." The point is that regular contact to one can be considered a rude annoyance to another. Adjust your schmooze to suit the schmoozee.

Lesson 11: Be a multi-schmoozer. Schmoozers know that for the strongest bond, more than one facet of a schmoozee's life must be reached. Remember, schmoozers are not networkers who are interested only in someone's profession and their own career building. As a schmoozer your only goal should be to connect with another person in as many areas as possible, which may lead to advancements in your career, personal relationships, intellectual knowledge, or maybe nothing at all. Just as people are multi-dimensional, our approach to schmoozing must be as well. Adding children, hobbies, or sports connections to a strictly business connection, for example, gives the relationship a life that can endure even if one area of connection dissolves.

Lesson 12: Be the driver of the bus, not just a rider. If you are a member of an organization, whether it's a business, social, or civic organization, take on a leadership role. Chair a committee. Start a task force. The bigger role you play, the more people you will know and the more known you will be.

Lesson 13: Be eager to connect others. Schmoozers know it's counter-productive to schmooze in order to horde all the people around you. Once you've made connections that you value, share them and your new acquaintances with others. Great schmoozers link their schmoozees to each other. Do this and everyone's schmooze zone will expand. Like all other things, the more you practice schmoozing, the easier it will become. Don't feel bad if at first you struggle in your attempts to schmooze and wind up feeling foolish. With enough practice, you will only get better. Before you know it, you will be making so many business connections you'll wonder how you ever got by without mastering the art of schmoozing.

Did you enjoy this article?
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