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| Building Relationships |
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"Schmoozer Living" by Ty Freyvogel Hardly a day passes when you don't witness it or are a part of it. Road rage. One car has a near miss with another and horns blare, fists wave and expletives become projectiles. Or worse. And yet hidden cameras show that when people passing in opposite directions in a cross walk have a near collision, there's rarely an incident. Why the unbridled anger in a car? It's in the eye contact... or lack thereof. A brilliant woman I know is talented in the art of car schmooze. "Windshields and sunglasses are isolating enough, combine that with rolledup windows and tinted glass and we might as well be traveling in space capsules." Everyday during rush hour, she has to merge her small car from one freeway into a tangled frenzy of commuters on a busy interstate. Those before and after her are in a dead stop for up to ten minutes waiting for a brief window of opportunity. She gains entry in just a few seconds.
Would she fit the ideal schmoozer template? Frankly, I don't think there is one. When I try to describe the perfect schmoozer, personality has little or nothing to do with it. There is no one personality type, as far as I can tell. Introverts as well as extroverts have been successful schmoozers. At first I thought education played a role, because many schmoozers know so much about the world around them. Then I met a great schmoozer named Jeffery. He is 32 years old and has an IQ of 39. According to the experts, he is supposed to be barely verbal. But no one ever told that to Jeffery. So he may not read or write but he talks to everyone, delights in everything, organizes dances with the county group homes and is loved by all. Income certainly has nothing to do with it. Neither race nor national origins play much of a role. If religion has an influence, I don't know what it is. One of the best schmoozers I know practices Buddhism and Shinto, and he told me something I should have seen myself. "Schmoozing," he said, "is not solely the American way, not solely the European way, not solely the African way, and it's not solely the Asian way. It's fundamentally the way of all people. Schmoozing is Transforming I can't say for sure when it first happened. All I remember is the day when it first dawned on me that I had changed. I had started the day with the intent on finishing year end reports. By late afternoon, after fielding more than 20 phone calls, the unfinished reports were still strewn across the desk. I should have been frustrated and upset. But I wasn't. In pre-schmoozer times, I might have considered all these calls unwelcome intrusions. As a schmoozer, I see surprise calls and visits as opportunities. Schmoozing changes us and changes the way we see others. We look not for faults or weaknesses, but for virtues and strengths. What a surprise that is! But it figures, doesn't it? A schmoozer is not auditioning to be a contestant on a game show. Just the opposite. All the changes happen without announcements or fanfare. Yet few schmoozers, upon reflection, would deny they haven't enjoyed the following changes, though the changes didn't necessarily come in the following order. And there are more benefits, but these are the ones most schmoozers report. Self esteem changes, too. Little hints give it away. The schmoozer whose self esteem has been elevated by schmoozing looks different. He stands a little taller, smiles a little more and takes more care in dressing. He feels better about himself and therefore looks better. When he or she takes on a project, it's taken on with an air of confidence. And what about income? It is the one change that is always described roughly the same way: "I don't know how, but my income really did go up." Even after all the men and women who have explained it to me, I still don't know precisely why. Does schmoozing, perhaps, free the mind and allow it to make more advantageous deals? Is the mind able to produce more in the same amount of time as before? Are expensive mistakes no longer made? Beats me. This is a change I'll always study. It's fascinating that it has such a positive effect on such a high percentage of schmoozers, yet no one can really put a finger on it. Yes, schmoozing has changed me. It even changes the way I view change. And it's a change for the better. Schmoozing Salvation If it has the power to change people for the better, can schmoozing save the world? That's a rather tall order. I don't know, but I'd like to believe so. I do know that schmoozing can make it a safer place in which to live. And that's a pretty good start, in my book. In the not-so-long-ago "old days" when telephones were answered by human beings, the neighbor's kid pumped the gas in your car, and everybody schmoozed everybody all the time, there was less suspicion, less fear. And then we stopped connecting. How did this happen? As with all behavioral changes, it can be insidious; each successive snub of another becomes easier and easier. If one day you don't say hello to the new boy who bags your groceries, the next day it's simple to ignore the elderly man at the bus stop. If one day a delivery woman silently thrusts out the overnight package as you silently sign the receipt, the next day it seems natural to push your deposit to the teller and leave without speaking. We've become shut-ins and there is an epidemic of cabin fever in the land. But the walls of our cabins are made not of wood, but of distrust. John Donne was wrong: we are islands. I'm not a psychologist or sociologist or anthropologist or biologist or any other 'ist', but it doesn't take the brilliant to see that not meeting the minimum daily requirement of conversation can create an abyss of anxiety. When many if not most businesses could be "virtual" with employees working on a computer at home, why aren't they? Do we know - deep down - that communication, particularly face-to-face communication, is indispensable? Indispensable for our businesses. Indispensable for our sanity. Make the First Schmooze When I was growing up if an adult spoke to me, I froze on the spot and respectfully replied, "Yes ma'am" or "Yes Sir." Now we have a second generation of children reared with a mantra of stranger danger: unknown adults are to be feared and avoided. In fact, all strangers - adults and other children - have now become suspect. These skittish children grow up to be wary adults. And the trepidation increases exponentially by generation. Perhaps that's why no one trusts anyone anymore. It's obvious wherever you go. Ninety-nine point nine percent of consumers are honest yet retailers scream, "I don't trust you not to shoplift!" by limiting the number of garments that can be taken in a dressing room, or erecting theft sensors at every door. And each of us shouts the same statement when we cling to sociocentrism and wall out the majority of the more than six billion people on this planet. Does barricading ourselves from the unknown make us safe? To the contrary, I believe shutting a group on the outside keeps the door to fear wide open. My head's not in the sand. I know there are those who have committed vile, inexcusable and unspeakable acts in this world. I want to protect my family from them as much as you. But I have to identify them first. And schmoozing helps me do that. Knowing my neighbor won't eliminate evil doings, but it will eliminate my fear. The first step to regaining trust is simple conversation. Make the first schmooze. Schmooze your neighbors. Schmooze your co-workers. Schmooze the rich. Schmooze the poor. Schmooze the elderly. Schmooze the young. Schmooze your community. Schmooze the strangers and they'll be a stranger nevermore. The more you schmooze, the safer you'll feel. Make their lives a part of yours and your fear will disappear. You can make a difference. As Margaret Mead said, "Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have." Just make the first schmooze. |
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Did you enjoy this article? Smarts, Guts and Luck features 25 chapters brimming with tips, insights and sound advice. Find out why Cindy Potts of The Retailer's Advantage says "Ty Freyvogel has a formula: 1/3 Smarts, 1/3 Guts, and 1/3 Luck add up to exactly what you need to make it as an independent business owner. In a short gem of a book, Freyvogel delivers countless secrets for success, ranging from developing one's intuition to recruiting the ideal employee and balancing life and work. There's a lot of powerful advice in here that speaks directly to the reality of being an independent business owner."
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Her secret? At the end of the ramp, she sticks her head out her open window, looks back, locks eyes with approaching drivers, smiles and then points to the lane she wants to enter. If she makes eye contact, she always receives a waved hand as permission to merge, and she usually gets a smile in return, too. It is a moment of simple non-verbal schmoozing. And schmoozing is her way of living. Even in a car.
